CLOSE-UP
DSM. Don’t dismiss their issues, whatever they may be.
They need your help and guidance to get through them, just
like their sibling does.
How to Foster Healthy, Close
Relationships with our ‘Typical’ Kids
About a year ago, my 14- year-old daughter,
Katie, and I wrote a post together that we somewhat sarcastically called “How to Get Your
Teenager to Talk to You in 9,876 Easy Steps.”
The number of steps was, of course, meant as a
reminder that there is no magic spell to get your
child to spill their deepest, darkest, secrets to
you, the parent, but rather, closeness and ease
with one another are, just as in any relationship,
the fruits of time and consistent effort.
The strategies for building a solid foundation
with your so-called ‘typical’ children are no different, whether they have a sibling with a disability or not. While the challenges presented by
the day-to-day may vary dramatically from one
family to the next, the basis of connection between parents and children is going to be made
up of the same stuff no matter what.
In any family, there will be times when one
child’s needs eclipse another’s, times when we,
as units, need to pull the ripcord and leave an
event that one or more of us would, in other
circumstances, really not want to leave. There
will be things that we simply can’t manage to
do that other families might be able to navigate
with ease (and vice versa), not because we have
one member of the family with a disability, but
because that’s how families work.
Human beings who live together and love each
other work together to support one another.
18
ZOOM Autism through Many Lenses
Sometimes we hum along smoothly; sometimes
the wheels go flying off the wagon. How we
handle those moments matters. If we lay blame,
if we allow autism to be the scapegoat for all
that ever goes wrong, not only do we teach our
autistic children that they are the cause of all
that ails us, but also, we endorse and encourage
resentment and anger among their siblings.
So, we know what not to do. But what DO we
do to foster healthy, close relationships with our
‘typical’ kids?
Katie and I came up with a few suggestions. By
no means do we claim to have the answers for
you, but this is some of what has worked for us.
Respect your kids.
In so many ways this is vital, but in this context
I’d add the following: respect their unique identity, not as your autistic child’s sibling, but as
their own wondrous creature with interests and
dreams and fears and, yes, challenges all their
own.
Acknowledge their challenges.
While your autistic child’s challenges may be
more pronounced than his or her NT sibling(s),
every human being has them. It can be dangerously easy to dismiss a typically developing
child’s anxieties or difficulties when they are
simply part of the normal course of everyday
life rather than a symptom of something in the
Invest in their interests.
Get to know what they like.
Even if you happen to find
whatever it may be mindnumbingly boring or silly or
banal or even somewhat offensive, dig deeper. Find out
more. I promise you that there
is some morsel of just about
anything that is interesting. If
she’s into fashion, take her to
the mall. If he’s into dinosaurs,
head to the Museum of Natural History. Fine art? I don’t
care if you received a D in Art
History. Get thee to the MFA
and go find a Monet. While
the thing itself might not be of
interest to you, I can promise
you that there is nothing better
than seeing your child INSIDE
their joy.
Talk to them.
Tell them stuff. I know they’re
your kids, but they’re also, you
know, people. People with
whom you are in a relationship. Wouldn’t you feel really
weird confiding everything in
someone who never told you
anything?
few (free!) ideas to get you started:
Play a card game or watch a movie together before