ZOOM IN
I
Spontaneity, Transitions & Doing Nothing
By Kate Goldfield
just had the loveliest couple hours
doing nothing. I should add that I
almost never do “nothing.” Ever.
Doing nothing is usually very scary. Usually I am so bombarded by sensory and
emotional stimuli from the world that I
have to find a way to DO stuff just so I
can drown out the negative stimuli. It gets
to be a war in my body. Negative stimuli
comes in, I try to balance it with an equal
amount of output, and a war of input and
output ensues. I did not quite realize that
one of the reasons I think I am such an
intense person is because I am so sensitive
to sensory, emotional and physical stimuli
and because I take in SO MUCH. The only
way I can regulate myself (which I do
quite unconsciously) is to create an equal
stream of output. The reason I talk, write,
emote and express so much, probably
even the reason my body moves and fidgets so much, is to create a stream of output
equal to the input so as to be balanced and
regulated.
peace or calm? Will it last? Can I trust it?
Will it happen again? These thoughts I
keep thinking, among others.
But then, spontaneously, I grabbed the
book that was on my bed, lay down and
started to read, which might not sound
like anything special except that I never
do anything spontaneous. I haven’t been
relaxed enough and calm enough to focus
on reading a book in two months, and I
never do anything without a careful calculation of all the possible risks and benefits
involved, a careful planning out of every
aspect of it, and without first reassuring
myself of all the things I will do after it
and reassuring myself that whatever I did
before it went okay and oh, before you do
that can you please solve this problem,
and that problem, and find a solution for
world peace while you’re at it?
There is so much damn THINKING involved in switching between activities,
and m 䁱