Zoom Autism Magazine Issue 1 Fall 2014 - Page 20

ZOOM IN I Spontaneity, Transitions & Doing Nothing By Kate Goldfield just had the loveliest couple hours doing nothing. I should add that I almost never do “nothing.” Ever. Doing nothing is usually very scary. Usually I am so bombarded by sensory and emotional stimuli from the world that I have to find a way to DO stuff just so I can drown out the negative stimuli. It gets to be a war in my body. Negative stimuli comes in, I try to balance it with an equal amount of output, and a war of input and output ensues. I did not quite realize that one of the reasons I think I am such an intense person is because I am so sensitive to sensory, emotional and physical stimuli and because I take in SO MUCH. The only way I can regulate myself (which I do quite unconsciously) is to create an equal stream of output. The reason I talk, write, emote and express so much, probably even the reason my body moves and fidgets so much, is to create a stream of output equal to the input so as to be balanced and regulated. peace or calm? Will it last? Can I trust it? Will it happen again? These thoughts I keep thinking, among others. But then, spontaneously, I grabbed the book that was on my bed, lay down and started to read, which might not sound like anything special except that I never do anything spontaneous. I haven’t been relaxed enough and calm enough to focus on reading a book in two months, and I never do anything without a careful calculation of all the possible risks and benefits involved, a careful planning out of every aspect of it, and without first reassuring myself of all the things I will do after it and reassuring myself that whatever I did before it went okay and oh, before you do that can you please solve this problem, and that problem, and find a solution for world peace while you’re at it? There is so much damn THINKING involved in switching between activities, and m 䁱