encompass and reflect back to those I connect with
can be overwhelming when you don’t have space to
be with it.
This is how I received it anyway.
I am just taking the alternate route of love now, rather
than the past route of fear.
The path of fear was treacherous – it was dark,
arduous, dangerous, relentless - it felt like a constant
uphill struggle…a messy labyrinth that had me chasing
men in circles.
The path of love is one of intensity and steadfast
strength – it is well lit and inspiring in its everlasting
teachings; it is unpredictable and can feel
uncomfortable at times and yet I am able to recognize
the greater truth even when I am experiencing the
discomfort: the love isn’t outside myself, it’s within me.
This man has honored me with his beautiful
openness and honesty about his inability to meet me
where I am. And he is able to honor me because I am
finally honoring myself. Whereas, the treacherous path
of my past had me attracting partners whom I didn’t
feel fully seen by because I didn’t hold myself as
someone worthy of love.
This has changed. And so, the part inside that is
hurting, wanting to be different, desiring to close off
the deeply vulnerable, raw and open heart, is the part
that is in need of loving. But not man’s loving…My
loving.
And so I sit here now, traveling inward, holding
myself with compassion and grace, knowing that who
I am is beyond worthy of love, that I don’t need to be
any different, and that my depth is a gift.
And thank this man for acknowledging this truth,
for having the courage to be honest and for helping me
continue to grow and learn, making my travel inward
worthwhile.
Ouch. My heart.
And then.... Clarity.
For the first time in my life, I am living with
intention and purpose. I am showing up,
unapologetically as who I am, and like I mentioned,
which results in either connecting deeply with those I
encounter or disconnecting from those who aren’t able
to meet me in this space of authenticity.
My heart…
If I am showing up as who I am and I am not being
received what does that mean about me?
In this moment I realized that the part of me hurting
was the girl who still wonders if she is too much to
bare, too much to hold, to much to be with…the girl
who desires to be whatever she needs to be to feel
loved by a man…
This realization let me to momentarily feel ashamed
of my depth, desiring to turn it off, to dim it, to hide it.
I just want to permanently shut my eyes so to not
elicit this reaction in people.
And it is the fact that I can no longer shift myself to
fit a specific mold that caused me pain.
I share this because I am realizing that the journey
inward is a never-ending one – we may truly feel like
we have arrived in a certain area and all of the sudden
we are confronted with another opportunity to grow.
I truly felt like I had gained all the clarity there was
to gain regarding man-woman paradigm, no longer in
the space of creating a reality around dependency and
need for man to make me feel seen and loved… But I
haven’t arrived. It’s an ongoing adventure…
18
THE CONE - ANNIVERSARY ISSUE #5 - SPRING 2015