in order to be accepted while undermining my own.
All they have to do is look into my eyes and they will
witness all that is me.
This has served as an opportunity for me,
highlighting any areas in my life where I am still living
inauthentically, as all my cards are on the table. My
own shifts are immediately made as I no longer have
the capacity to live behind the façade of pseudo
strength – a place I resided throughout most of my life.
I attempt to take each moment as an opportunity to
learn something new about myself.
A beautiful, heart-centered man has recently shown
up in my life, mirroring the utmost respect and love for
me. He welcomed my vulnerability and thus we were
able to connect deeply from the moment we met.
It was an interesting unfolding; as I watched old
patterns faintly surface, in the face of me standing
strong in my authenticity. It was subtle but I still heard
– the voice urging me to play the games: to not text…
to wait for him to call me first… to hold back and pull
him in. I was able to witness the mind games as well
as my heart’s uncertainty in the unknown, but I didn’t
waver from being true. And I shared everything I was
experiencing with him, in the midst of all of it,
recognizing that it would take a lot on his behalf to
receive with an open heart. And yet he did.
A conversation took place the other night and led
to him sharing an honest reflection which really
surprised me, catching me off guard (this rarely
happens anymore) – I was mostly taken aback by my
own reaction to his expression and I would like to
humbly share this with you now as the lessons I have
learned are invaluable.
As aforementioned, I am in a new space of
attempting to live each moment without attachment to
what comes next - this allows me to lessen the grip I
had on expectations and to really be present to
whatever experiences arise, even when the old
patterns attempt to take control of the situation.
It felt like rejection only it was different this time - it
was less dramatic than the past and yet it was harsh
and acute – a visceral sensation that penetrated me in
an abyssal way. It tasted like metal, it smelled like
stagnant air and it felt like I was going to throw up. I
took a deep breath.
He shared with me that, while we have an
amazing, authentic connection, he doesn’t have the
space in his life for it.
It?
What is it?
What did that even mean?
Was I sending mixed messages?
Perhaps he was feeling my old insecurities, even
though they were subtle?
What is he talking about?
I was confused - was I giving off the impression that I
wanted more from him?
My intention was never to project my own needs
on to him – I was very honest but I took full
responsibility for everything I expressed. I desired to
be present and open to each experience we shared. I
wasn’t under the illusion that he was meant to be
something to me that he wasn’t. But I was realizing
that the message he was receiving was incongruent
with the one I was sending and thus I was blindsided
by this conversation.
I took a deep breath and put my hand on my heart,
embracing his words as best I could. I then responded,
letting him know that I have no expectations, that I am
not attached to any outcome and that I appreciate who
he is and what he brings to my life (In the moment I
was probably saying that more for myself than for him
to be honest). And the pain cut a bit deeper.
What he shared next revealed the source of the
agony I was experiencing and it all became very clear
to me.
He said that when he looks into my eyes, he sees
and feels everything and that the depths my eyes
And yet, even while my intention is to be open and
non-attached, his words struck a deep chord in my
heart, evoking a familiar pang in my chest and a
feeling of the past.
16
THE CONE - ISSUE #5 - SUMMER 2015