Sincerely Yours, Jumana A. Swindler
contributing writer
Nicely Put
Why don’t people just say what they really mean anymore? The world
is full of euphemisms - or nice ways of saying things that could be quite
offensive. We’ve become such a politically correct society that real talk is
shrouded by false meanings or ways to assist your service needs.
“Yes, Ma’am. We know you’ve been waiting for a week to have your cable fixed. But, we need
(such and such) part and it’s on back-order. We’ll get back with you about it shortly,” they say. Sure.
Key words - back-order (we’re too slack to be bothered by your interrupted service) and shortly
(possibly in your lifetime). What they’re really saying is, “Quit hassling us about your dumb TV and
until we decide to work on it, listen to the radio or Pandora on your iPhone.”
Then there was the interruption in my Wi-Fi at home last week. It really messed up my “Words
with Friends” competition and I was beside myself. “It’s your Modem, change your password to a
16 digit and letter code, to include three capital letters, two numbers and an asterisk. See if that
helps, ma’am, then call back if there’s a problem.” Yeah right. The 16 letters and numbers took
three hours to set up, he never said where to put the asterisk and it still never gave me access to a
network. This chaos was followed by a two hour wait to get a live person with my cable provider
-- and HE WAS IN INDIA. We couldn’t hear or even understand each other, so the effort was a bust.
Nowadays, there are too many ways to get around saying exactly how you feel or what you feel,
what you need or how to fix it or even what you really do as a career. It’s referred to as the age of
“Language Conversion” - or what I call, “Sneakin’ Speakin.’”
C’mon, you know what I mean. Since when did car dealers think everyone would be fooled by
their new outrageous sales pitches? Like the one on the TV last month, “Hey, folks! We’re slashing
them right down to the bone and on right down to the spokes. Our 2015 cars are rolling in and
have GOT to go and we’re taking the punches . . . .” The announcer, screaming rapidly, recites
unbelievable prices for the newer models and ends up telling his audience at the end of the commercial that “all cars are subject to pre-sale.” What the devil does that mean? They sell ‘em to
somebody a day before so that they can resell them to you a day later? Guess the announcer
couldn’t tell us from the beginning that the vehicles he’s advertising are simply USED cars. They
can’t say that anymore because during the last decade, used cars became pre-owned vehicles,
and now quality pre-owned models.
Have you noticed that restaurants and snack bars have become “Eateries,” “Bistros,” and “Grilles.”
Cinemas went from being cinemas to “the movies,” to back to being called “cinemas” again. And, we
dare not call an insurance policy what it is anymore; it’s a “home/life protection plan.”
Job names have had to be finessed as well. Do titles have to include “specialist” for people to
think that you’re capable of getting the job done? For instance, you can’t get your car repaired by
a mechanic anymore. It has to be “serviced” by an “engine specialist,” and the latest -- “Innovation
Technician” for an ad salesman.
And, imagine the fight that’s brewing against calling house painters, “House Protective Coating
Specialists.” I mean, really! Door-to-door salesmen have been recalled. The new models are called
“Product Line Representatives.” Grocery stores don’t hire cashiers anymore and banks don’t hire
tellers, they employ “Manager Trainees.”
Hair dressers and beauticians no longer exist. We now have a world of “stylists” and “makeover experts.” Employment recruiters don’t fall under Human Resources any more, they call themselves “Talent Management.”
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You don’t invest in a home and improve it anymore; you “flip a house.” (I always
wondered what they did with the folks inside when that was going on.) Ad salesmen
have converted themselves into “Account Representatives,” and real estate sales people have transformed their titles to “Agent at Large.” (What if you’re short and small;
can you still sell property?)
Oh, and consumers aren’t allowed to buy shoes or glasses anymore. They purchase
“fashion eyewear” or “classic footwear.” People don’t just live in mobile homes or trailers these days; they reside in “manufactured housing” - the way apartment renters do
in housing units. Campers are called “recreational vehicles” or “RV’s” or you won’t fit
in with fellow vacationers.
Criminals aren’t sent to jail, they serve terms in detention centers under “restrictive
supervision” instead of regular prison guards.
But, there’s some good news with “Sneakin’ Speakin’.” Bosses can no longer fire
employees or even “terminate their employment.” The procedure is now called
“outplacement or out-processing.” Either way, the operative word is “out.”
I talked to my buddy in New York the other day. She was telling me about this
fellow she knew in her building who applied for a job as a “floor accessor.” He turned
the opportunity down, though, when he realized the job ad wasn’t exactly what it was
cracked up to be. “Try an easy way to get to the top,” the ad said. Sure. It was a job
opening as an “elevator operator” in her very swanky high rise. Old TV shows used to
call them “doormen.”
People have prob