He Says, She Says in every issue
“Finding the balance between saying and
respecting a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ in a relationship
is very tricky.” - Dr. Brittany Rainwater
he: This was a tricky idea for me to learn. I thought marriage was supposed to fill in the gaps of my life and make
me a “whole” person, but I quickly learned that was not
the case. No, marriage was about challenging me to
make healthy changes in my own life that allowed me to
become even more of the person God created me to be.
Our marriage was not designed to solve problems for
me, but rather to give me the space and freedom to solve
those problems with the support and care of someone
who loves me.
she: I got your back, babe.
he: Ha ha ha, thanks. I am glad you do. I think we
should pause for a moment and note that a lot of the
ideas we are referencing come from Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. They
have a chapter in this book that address the ideas of
togetherness and separateness in much greater detail
than our conversation will be able to.
she: Another important aspect that makes the togetherness-separateness cycle is determining the interest
level and desire each spouse has for the activity or use of
time. The reality is that even the closest couples do not
want to do everything together at the exact same time.
Being able to hear and respect your loved one when they
say “No” to a proposed activity allows for the freedom
that was mentioned earlier.
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he: When someone is free to say “No” in a relationship,
it actually makes saying “Yes” easier later on. A big part
of making this happen is accepting the fact that just because your partner does not want to do what you want
to do when you want to do it does not mean they are
rejecting you! Sure, it can be disappointing to be told
no, but thankfully we are adults, and adults can handle
mild disappointments. Throwing a pity party or laying a
guilt trip on our loved ones communicates to them that
they have no choice and their opinion is not respected.
This is obviously damaging to a relationship. Often, one
person will view their activity as more appropriate or
important because it is a “couple activity” and get defensive and judgmental when the other member of the
relationship does not want to join in. Talk about missing
the point! How is it a “couple activity” when the other
person is being treated to a temper tantrum when they
want to say no? That is more like a hostage situation.
“Do this activity with me or else you will face the wrath of
my whininess!” Again, there is nothing wrong with being
bummed out when we are told “No,” but that does not
mean that being told “No” is wrong.
she: The other side of this coin is just as important. It is
important, from time to time, for us to say “Yes” to our
spouse’s request for togetherness even when we don’t
feel like it. This is a form of prioritizing the relationship
above our personal desires. If someone says “No” every time they don’t feel like doing something, then they
will very quickly find themselves uninvited and alone.
Finding the balance between saying and respecting a
“Yes” or “No” in a relationship is very tricky. If you find
that your relationship is struggling to find this balance,
then couples therapy may be an important tool for you
to utilize. A general rule that helps achieve this balance
is to ask yourself a question before answering; “How will
my answer impact my relationship?” Note, the question is not “How will my answer impact my loved one?”
Sometimes when you say “No” then your loved one will
be disappointed, but saying “Yes” simply to avoid this
is poor boundary management. If you have been adequately caring for your partner and the relationship then
it should be clear how your answer would impact your
relationship, regardless of the partner’s response.
make up the couple to spend time alone or with personal friends. Of course, like all things related to making a
relationship work, balance is required. In this case, balance is partly achieved by not looking to the relationship
for completion as a person and being able to allow appropriate use of the word “No” in the relationship.
she: Achieving the balance of togetherness and separateness is very difficult to do and the truth is, it can
only be fully achieved through marriage. Dating relationships require these elements, but to a lesser degree
than marriage. While it takes a lot of hard work to get
your togetherness-separateness cycle working well in
your relationship, it is one of the most rewarding aspects when achieved. Marriage is about bringing out the
good things each person and that only truly happens
when freedom is a primary element of the relationship.
Please, consider how you are allowing freedom to exist
in your r elationship and whether or not you feel free in
your relationship. If you do not feel that your separateness drives you to togetherness or your togetherness
encourages you to be free to be separate, then your relationship needs some work. Do not let another day go
by without freedom.
he: So, freedom is an essential element to every relationship and it most often displays itself in the togetherness-separateness cycle. It is good and healthy for
couples to spend time doing things they like with each
other and it is good and healthy for the individuals that
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