2 . You have to take responsibility for YOUR PART in your feelings . In Twelve Step recovery , people learn to identify what they did to contribute to their own resentments . For example , if your mother consistently makes jokes at your expense at family functions , you are participating in that by allowing the behavior and not setting boundaries and enforcing consequences . You cannot control your mother ’ s behavior , but you can stand up for yourself in a loving way . If a bully were abusing your child in front of you ,
wouldn ’ t you stand up for your kid ? Do that for yourself !
3 . You must either choose to allow the situation to continue and
be at peace with it , or you must change the situation . Most of the time , the former is not going to work unless you ’ re dealing with an aging parent with dementia or a special-needs child . So , let ’ s
assume you have to handle something cleanly :
4 . You will have to have a conversation with the person . Not
a text-fest . Not a snarky social media exchange . Not taking it to a third party , unless you have both agreed to formal or informal mediation . Here ’ s the key : you have to be able to speak your truth without expectation of an outcome . You have to speak in a loving way , and you have to stay calm . This is hard . I had to clean up 40 + years of emotional mess with my dad . In 2015 , we tried to have a conversation about our relationship that resulted in LOTS of hurt feelings on both sides . It took me a solid year to clean up “ my side of the street ” ( as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous ). I got to a place where I could understand my dad ’ s perspective and I was at peace with the fact that he was not going to change . I also was clear about what I was and was not willing to do moving forward . He called me and made some very unkind statements , which opened the door for a conversation . Because I had done my work on my stuff , I was able to calmly and lovingly talk with him about my perspective on our relationship and how we had arrived there . I also listened to his perspective and validated that I understood why he felt that way . I took responsibility for my past behaviors , but I didn ’ t expect an apology from him ( which is good , because I didn ’ t get one ). We both left the conversation with a better understanding of each other and some new agreements on how we will move forward . When I hung up the phone , I felt healed rather than upset , and my interactions with my dad have been much more loving and positive .
Is this approach easy ? No . It ’ s not easy for a hoarder to clean up her home . Likewise , it ’ s not easy to clean up emotionally , but if you want to FEEL better in your life , you have to do it !
I can testify that it feels One-Derful to be able to live in an emotionally clean space . I still have a way to go , but I ’ m focusing on “ progress , not perfection .”
If you want to know more , you can connect with me at www . One-DerfulLife . com .
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