A One-Derful Life with Mary R . Dittman , MBA contributing writer
emotional life
get your cleaned up !
my sweet sister-in-law uses a term that has stuck with me : being “ emotionally clean .” Used in a sentence : “ It seems like you ’ re in a clean place with this stuff with your friend .”
I ’ ve been making powerful strides forward in my emotional life because I am committed to handling my emotional business “ cleanly .” To be sure , I wasn ’ t always clear on this , and spent many years handling things messily , thus creating even more emotional messes that needed to be cleaned up .
Our culture is very conducive to emotional messiness . Texting , social media , and gossip all support emotional messiness by allowing us to disconnect from our feelings and from other people and hide behind screens and erroneous “ social proof .” ( If everyone is saying it , it must be true , right ?) It ’ s much easier to break up a relationship via text or criticize someone on social media or talk behind someone ’ s back about how she hurt your feelings – you don ’ t have to face the person and be vulnerable and honest .
Why should you even care about emotional cleanliness ? Well , how do you want to FEEL ? If you enjoy feeling hurt , anxious , misunderstood , and upset – emotional messiness is for you ! But , if you want to feel peaceful , in-control of your emotions , understood , and clear – you have to learn how to handle your emotional business cleanly .
Here ’ s what I ’ ve learned about emotional cleanliness :
1 . You have to get clear about what you ’ re feeling .
You may talk to a trusted friend or your therapist , but at some point you are going to have to spend some time alone , quietly , to feel what you ’ re feeling and then label it . That ’ s right : you have to say ( to yourself FIRST ) what I feel is __________ ( sad , angry , hurt , scared , anxious , disappointed ). This may take minutes , hours , or days ( or longer ). “ I feel like you can ’ t be trusted ,” is not a feeling . “ I feel hurt ,” is a feeling . It took me a long time to be able to even identify any of my feelings because I spent years being emotionally shut-down . I would feel sad , but would tell myself , “ It doesn ’ t matter – I ’ ll be fine .” Even , “ I ’ m not sad , I ’ m just tired .” And then I would work some more to avoid feeling sad so that I could have evidence that I was actually tired .
130 FEBRUARY 2017 SHEMAGAZINE . COM