to wound. These rows may be about any
one of the many pitfalls that can snare
the couple who do not communicate in
a way that is respectful, loving and kind.
Being in a relationship takes practice and
determination and does not appear at
the wave of a magic wand. I have seen
couples leave my therapy room holding
hands and laughing!
An aspect of relationship that often seems
to be the most embarrassing for many is
the subject of sex. Usually at the time of
seeking my help for sex therapy or what is
sometimes called psychosexual therapy
clients have often been suffering for some
time. This distress often affects other
areas of their lives and who is responsible
for taking the rubbish out or whose turn
it is to wash up can swiftly become a
major topic for conflict. Satisfying sex
that can keep relationships enchanting
has crumbled and any sexual problem
can leave sorrow in its wake. Although
sex in a relationship can frequently be a
spectacular experience, occasionally it
can be awkward and sometimes it can be
absolutely dreadful. When the sometimes
becomes far too frequent then something
is going on that really does need to be
dealt with in a professional, respectful and
ethical manner.
For many, being in a close intimate
relationship is what they most desire and
when that relationship has come to an
end huge emotional pain is experienced,
often with children caught up in the middle
who are feeling the chaos and loss that
separation or divorce often creates. I know
what it feels like to see plans, hopes and
dreams come crashing to an end and a
life one had anticipated in tatters. There
can often be unmanageable amounts of
anger when friends and relatives become
entangled over divided loyalties as well
as disappointment and bitterness at the
loss and subsequent adjustment required
to work through this period. Over many
years working with people in the midst of
this grim situation I have observed new
lives rebuilt, happiness found again from
many sources, confidence and self-esteem
emerge and careers develop again. The
ending of a relationship is a precarious
journey through momentous changes
and as those of us who have experienced
significant changes in our lives know,
change is often scary and when we are
scared we need reassurance that when
something has ended there has to be a
new beginning.
Then of course in the midst of all this
disarray there are the professionals who
are dealing with the law, the lawyers, men
and women whose desks can be awash
with the tears of very often distressed
and anxious individuals. These highly
skilled specialists often see children used
as weapons, finances used to punish
and homes fought over like faunae at the
waterhole. In addition to being lawyers,
the professionals I see are asked to be
ministers, arbitrators and “friends” – a
cocktail of capricious relationships. Many
lawyers use the skills I provide to shed the
weight of this charge and return revitalised
and reinvigorated to the stimulating world
they inhabit.
Now a phenomenon that is growing
exponentially at the moment is the
emergence of sexual addictions, which
is an unhealthy relationship with the self.
Sexual addiction has in some places
been given a rather glamorous identity,
with the celebrity status of people like
Michael Douglas, Russel Brand and Tiger
Woods to name but a few admitting to the
addiction. As like any addiction it is far
from glamourous and addicts can continue
to engage in certain sexual behaviours
despite facing potential health risks,
financial problems, shattered relationships
or even arrest, which leaves a path of
devastation behind them. Sexual addiction
can range from inordinate amounts
of time spent surfing the internet for
pornographic images or videos to regular
visits to prostitutes to continually exposing
themselves in inappropriate situations – we
are talking about sex and there are far too
many different ways to reveal here how
a sex addict may practice their addiction.
The National Council on Sexual Addiction
and Compulsivity has defined sexual
addiction as “engaging in persistent and
escalating patterns of sexual behaviour
acted out despite increasing negative
consequences to self and others.”
Then of course t here are the hidden
casualties of sex addiction and that is the
partners of sex addicts. Partners are at
best devastated and at worst traumatised
people who often don’t know what is
genuine or real in their relationship. They
are trying to re-build the trust that has
collapsed, experiencing a feeling that is
akin to discovering an affair, because both
affairs and addictions need secrecy and
lies to thrive. However if they want to they
can discover that over time it is possible to
re-build that trust and re-build their once
loving relationship.
As a psychotherapist, couples counsellor,
divorce mentor, psychosexual (sex)
therapist and sexual addiction therapist
I see people whose lives are in turmoil,
people whose emotions are at breaking
point, people who just cannot make sense
of what is happening to them and people
who want to change the way they are in
the world and maybe how they see it. I
work with courageous people who have
made the decision to seek the help of
“talking therapy” when very often they
have little or no idea what that involves. It
can be daunting to sit with someone you
have never met before and divulge things
that you would never tell another soul, to
release into the room confidences that
have been hidden – sometimes even from
yourself – to what is initially a stranger,
or to have impracticable expectations
challenged.
To undertake the role of a talking
therapist I qualified at degree level and
completed numerous other professional
development courses. Throughout this
process I learnt much from my many
clients – humility, patience, stamina and
to never underestimate the power of the
human condition or the complexity of
relationships. Understandably very few
people outside the therapy world can
realise the multifaceted and complex
ballet of dialogue, emotions, thoughts
and behaviours that it takes for a troubled
individual to feel that you are walking in
their shoes; or the delicacy and sensitivity
it takes to navigate the landscape of those
whose lives are turned upside down by
chaos.
I am the keeper of secrets, the guardian
of identities and the soul of discretion.
Confidentiality is paramount. I do not have
a magic wand but I have been witness
to magical outcomes. There is nothing I
would rather do.
By Teena A Campion-Smith
MSc. PGDip. Grad Cert.
tcstherapy.co.uk
89