Native Max Magazine Anniversary Issue - Fall 2013 | Page 10

TO HONOR MYSELF
IS TO HONOR THEM
INTRODUCING NATIVE MAX MAGAZINE’S FIRST
EVER ‘MAKE US PROUD’ FEATURE, CRYSTAL
STARR SZCZEPANSKI. CRYSTAL SHARES HER
STORY OF STRONG WILL AND HONOR.
As told to Kelly Holmes

M

y name is Crystal Starr Szczepanski. I am the daughter of Eleanor and Frank Szczepanski. I am Athabaskan, Yup’ik and
Colville. In 1996, at a powwow I asked this Shoshone guy to
owl dance. The attraction was mutual. He was a drummer andI was
a fancy dancer. Neither of us drank or did drugs. In 1997 I made the
decision to move to Grand Ronde, Oregon with him. In 1999 I became
pregnant. My partner suggested we keep living in the house with his
mom, however I refused. “We have a baby on the way; we need our
own place,” I would say. Most of the responsibilities fell onto me; paid
the bills. The end of our relationship was when I no longer was able to
deal with his gambling addiction. His whole paycheck would be gone
- no money to feed our daughter, no money to buy toothpaste or gas
for our one car. I didn’t understand addiction at that point in my life
but had enough of being co-dependent.

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NATIVE MAX MAGAZINE FALL 2013

My next relationship was with David. I felt special, cared
for and respected. He was responsible with his finances and
had a career. This was also my introduction to social drinking. In 2003 I put my daughter in the chinuk wawa Preschool Immersion School. I attended the adult classes and
had the opportunity to apply for a language apprentice position in 2004. That was the start of my journey to learning
a Native language. Before that I didn’t know what the conditions of our languages across Indian Country were. Since
then I’ve given presentations at Stabilizing Indigenous Language Symposium and North West Indian Langue Institute.
I became to love each child as if they were my own niece
or nephew. I felt pride when I saw them dancing and hearing our ancestors speak chinuk wawa through them. I felt
heartache and helpless when one of my student’s mother
died of cancer. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I received my Native American Indian Language Teaching License.
In 2011 my addiction was full blown. I was depressed, lonely, frustrated, lost, and a slave to alcohol. I put myself in a
drug and alcohol treatment center. It was my introduction
to trying to understand something I have no control over –
I had a disease. Over the next ten months I struggled with
drinking. I found myself in the hospital for being suicidal.
I really wanted to disappear, die and lose the shame that
engulfed me. David’s life became unbalanced trying to desperately help me. My daughter mentally distanced herself
from me like a bad memory.
I hit my rock bottom. In my heart I knew that if I continued I really would die. I had been raped again; my body
defiled and used. It brought back terrible memories from
when I was a teenager and was assaulted. I felt dirty, used,
and angry. I made the choice for the third time in eleven
months to check myself into rehab.
I couldn’t have done this alone. I went into my first sweat
lodge; it was there with my uncle and grandpa that I started
loving myself and was reconnected to Creator. I let go of my
shame. I learned about inter-generational trauma. I looked
at myself realistically and started having love for myself. I
humbly admitted it and took comfort in the fact that I am
only human. I’ve found balance and spirituality. I realized
the Creator loved me and wanted the best for me.
My adopted grandpa, Charlie Tailfeathers, has given me
many wise words. The phrase “life just keeps getting better
and better” has really ringed true for me. I celebrate it. My
creativity and clear mind have come back to me. Art is now
my expression. I’ve returned to traditional and contemporary native art.
I’m not an extraordinary woman. I am human. My ancestors fought and struggled for me to be here today. To honor
myself is to honor them.

Do you have a story to tell? Make us proud by
sending us your inspirational story to info@
nativemax.com. Please include an essay of 250
words or less and a high res photo of yourself.

PHOTO COURTESY OF CRYSTAL SZCZEPANSKI

MAKE US PROUD