Are you in law school and married? Or are you in a serious relationship and considering getting married or moving in with your partner? First, our hats are off to you! This is such an important time in your life as a student but also an important step toward a new future together as a couple.
We understand that relationships are unique, dynamic, and sometimes unpredictable. But there are a few great tips and ground rules that can be incorporated into the way you manage your personal relationships in order to make sure that they stay as healthy as possible. Often, your significant other has and will continue to be one of your very best friends and your strongest supporter. Cherish that. Know that although law school and long-term relationships can be challenging when done together, they are not impossible! Each of us is invested in our marriages and relationships. Each believes that our marriages and relationships have helped to shape us into stronger professionals as well. Here are our thoughts on how to stay focused on those important partnerships, without letting the weight of class readings and the job hunt bog you down.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Listen and share regularly
One of the keys to a good relationship is basic communication. Before you begin law school and as you go through the several stages of your law school experience, sit down with your partner and share your expectations, fears, struggles, and victories. Unless your partner attended law school, it might be difficult for him or her to otherwise empathize with the ups and downs that you may be experiencing. The more your partner understands about your law school experience, the more he or she will feel connected to your life and be able to support you. Similarly, be sure to make time to listen to your partner’s own fears, struggles, and victories so that you can continue to best support him or her during this time. Do not equate or compare each other’s experience—it is not about who is busier or more stressed—share and support each other.
Learn each other’s love languages1 either prior to starting law school or as soon as you start law school. Your time will be limited compared to the time you had before starting law school. However, if you learn how your partner expresses and receives love, you can focus on this expression of love during the limited time you may have together. For example, if your love language is words of affection and this is how you best express and receive love. If your partner’s love language is acts of service and you do not express this love language all semester long, your partner may feel unloved or alone. Time commitments will quickly chip away at your free time, use whatever time you have wisely and efficiently.
Planning a Family
Are you swooning over every baby you see on your Facebook feed? Maybe not, but they sure are cute. Perhaps you have started thinking more seriously about having children. Or, your partner and you already had a serious conversation about parenting. Or maybe law school and your career plans have led you to re-think if, and, or when you might like to have children. Whether you intend to have children during or after law school, it is important to have a conversation with your partner about your expectations and plans and to make sure you are both on the same page. Some of us entered law school with children, and even then found it incredibly helpful to broach the topic again just to be sure that both partners were on the same page about expectations and family planning.
There is so much that goes into loving those sweet babies that we know you will want to try to plan out some basic expectations about what kind of life you two are building and whether or not parenting is for you right now. Plus, these kinds of talks can be really important for couple closeness. Share your excitement, fears, doubts, and joys about the thought of adding another family member to the home. Exploring these feelings can be critical in building a strong foundation in your marriage and home, regardless if and when you decide to parent.
Create Short and Long Term Goals
Before starting law school, and regularly thereafter, sit down with your partner to discuss short term and long term goals. Setting goals as a couple allows for both partners to feel important and validated. You may consider writing a list at the start of law school that the two of you can revisit together during these discussions. The process of making and adapting such a list can work wonders for communication and commitment. By
by: Theresa Rocha Beardall, University of Illinois College of Law
Christine Ricardo, University of Chicago Law School
Brenda D. Villanueva, University of Maryland School of Law
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