Mark: I mean that if something goes wrong and I feel like I can't take it anymore or my life isn't
worth anything, I understand that's just how I feel. But at the end of the day, I don't really believe
what I feel. The reason why I say that is because if I believed everything that I felt then I would not
be where I am today. If I believed what I thought, I would have already committed suicide and I
will not be on this Earth. It's like the devil put visions in my head and tells me I'm notworth
anything. I feel it, but I don't believe it.
Ayoka: That is an amazing observation. So many people react over what they feel and not off of
what they know. The fact that you can distinguish what you feel , you are rare.
Mark: In those moments it's more of being stuck and not being able to solve the problem, only
really going through the motions when you can't solve problems you don't have to. Think about it,
if you could solve the problems you had direction , you really wouldn't feel the way that you're
feeling. I think that people just cannot solve what they're feeling. But if you learn to understand
why things happen and are able to solve the problem, that it won't linger on and you can move
forward
Ayoka: How did depression affect you being a parent?
Mark: It hasn’t affected me, but my son has become who I am. He isolates himself from the world.
He is the young version of me. The difference is that I am still a peopleperson and he is not. Our
relationship is where I need to be in his presence. That is what he really cares about.
Like I said earlier, it’s hard to read me. But it’s even harder for me to not be able to read what is
mine. I get the understanding of what other people go through when they can't read me, because I
can’t read him, unless he says something.
The way he is, is all me. Just that the difference is I can be social. Hopefully, it get’s to the point
where he will snap out of it.
I have talks with him. He is 15. The difference is, I lost my mother at 14. Even though I had
guardians, I was still alone.