For me, people can’t really tell if I am depressed. That’s because they are used to me going in my
shell, disappearing for weeks. So it’s hard to tell if I am just quiet just to be quiet, or if I am quiet
because of depression. It’s hard for others to identify
Ayoka: So how do you identify it in yourself? How do you know when it’s a couple of days, or
weeks, if it’s mild or strong
Mark: I got to the point where I left my job in February. I thought that leaving was a burden off of
my shoulders. I started off cleansing myself and rebirthing who I was because all of my time was
taken up at work. But in the midst of me getting my mind back, I actually fell into a depression to
where I shut down and closed up. I didn’t eat, I wouldn’t bathe for days. I stayed in bed, no
television, I didn’t go outside. And it got to the point where that behavior became normal. it was
hard to come out of it because it became a routine and then it became my habit. I became
addicted to depression.
Also my phone was off so no one could reach me. No one had access to me and I had the control
of who could reach me through social media. And it turned it off and on as I pleased. No one was
in my ear no one could talk to me. I was getting sick and I had to pray so that I could snap out of it.
I didn’t leave work to be depressed, but it wound up becoming the opposite.
I tugofwarred with regrets about leaving work, but at the end, I survived it. I think the timing was
wrong,when I left but It was good for me to leave. Would I do it again, yes and no. I had to get
through it but it made me stronger.
Imagine being busy for almost 2 years, and letting go everything that is surrounding you , only
handling a portion of what was going on, only dealing with little parts to a point . Then you have so
much time on your hands, and you are backed up from almost two years worth of issues that you
needed to deal with and it comes all at once. The brain feels like it's been trampled because it’s
taking on so much at once. That’s what I went through. Then the fact that I am the person who
helps others and can’t even help them but still tried it became more overwhelming.
Ayoka: So you are carrying the weight of everything, you take the world on your shoulders. Are
you Superman, the Man of Steel?
Mark: Yes. That's who I am to others to me, but to me, I am the average guy who goes to the
same things as others.
The difference between venting about a situation and being stuck in a situation is that you believe
that there is no hope. I honestly believe that when I go through my emotions , that I don't believe
how I feel.
Ayoka: Can you explain that?