I told her that God gave me my kids so that I wouldn't do it. I didn't want to put
that burden on them of having a parent who committed suicide. I think that if I
didn't have my children that I wouldn't be here. I would have tried suicide. But I
didn’t because if I were to succeed, I never wanted them to think that they were the
cause of me not wanting to live.
Ayoka: Your husband and mother noticed the changes, how long before others
noticed?
Tresser: I never showed the depression on the outside. I couldn't wait to get home.
I used to recite a poem, called False Faces. I would literally be smiling at people but
inside I was crying, I just wanted to die.
My outside appearance was nothing to what I felt on the inside. My sanctuary was
my bed. I didn't want to talk. Luckily, I had jobs, where I didn't have to talk much.
But when I get home, it would hit me. I knew I had to function, work, feed my
children, give them baths, but I did it like a robot. I hurried along so that I could
quickly get into bed.. The weekends would come, and I wanted to be in bed all
weekend
The depression caused problems in my marriage, But he went and read up on the
depression. He wanted to understand me. Then he recognized what was going on
with me. Even now, he recognizes my triggers and my potential triggers.
Ayoka: That still seems a like a lot of pressure. I think I would be wondering, afraid
that he would leave me because of the depression and become even more
depressed.
Tresser: Yes. At one point, I thought he would leave me. But in the depression, I
didn't care if he did. It wasn’t that I didn't love him, but with the depression, I just
didn't care. The only thing that mattered at the time was my children. I just
couldn't see failing them.