Denise : Well, I am not a loud person, naturally, but if I become super quiet, then
you know that there is something going on. I still like to laugh and joke, so when I
am not doing that, then something is wrong.
Ayoka: So what does that trusted person have to do to bring you back?
Denise : Hmm well, If you recognize that I am off and that something is wrong,
then be who you normally are with me. I can pop back to who I am. If you aren't
the person who offended me then I will get back to normal.
Ayoka: On a scale of 1 - 10, how depressed were you?
Denise : As time went on, and I can't give you a set time frame. It was major. There
is depression, there is anxiety and then there is major depression. I had major
depression. And I mastered covering up. My behavior and actions became other
than who I was, saved.
I actually became a cutter then I became a self-injurer. It was like an addiction to
drugs. And if you have never done it, It is hard to understand.
I was in school for Pharmacy Tech, so I was in the medical field. I learned that
when you cut and self injure, that it releases endorphins in your brain. Just like the
endorphins when you take drugs, I became addicted to cutting and self injury.
Ayoka: I thought that cutting hurt, I never thought of it as producing a good
feeling.
Denise : No it doesn't hurt. Now I have always had a high tolerance for pain. Like I
can take pain and not take medicine. But when it came to cutting, there was also a
sense of security and it took problems away. It was a high.
The first thing I ever did was burn the side of my face with a curling iron. It was so
bad that I was actually burnt. I hid the burn with my hair.