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Parents of children with special needs and carers of people with disability need to talk about the tough times , writes psychologist Silvia Belo-Tomic .
In October last year I was shocked by the news of a family in a murdersuicide case . I felt my heart shrink with the news . It was all so sad and our thoughts were with all the families and loved ones who were left devastated . The news brought back to my mind the idea of mental health and wellbeing of carers , which is an issue close to my heart .
Running support groups for carers , as well as being a carer myself , made me realise how much we neglect ourselves . I heard carers saying that they felt guilty of spending so much time engaged in something that didn ’ t involve better care for the person they love . It really doesn ’ t surprise me , especially when you think about the pressures we experience every day . What carers sometimes don ’ t realise is that we usually also have the task of being the structure of a family system . And as such , if we collapse , the system collapses as well . So if we see ourselves in that way , then we have a huge task in our hands . And spending a bit of time on self-care becomes really important , doesn ’ t it ? scared about what might happen if they talk about how they feel - maybe they fear opening a can of worms . So , very gradually , carers tend to keep their thoughts to themselves and keep performing as expected .
That wouldn ’ t be a problem if it wasn ’ t for the fact that we are suppressing emotions , thoughts and feelings , and that suppressing them doesn ’ t make them go away . By keeping those thoughts and feelings inside , they end up becoming toxic .
For carers , in particular , we need to show that we are doing well to our family members , therapists , teachers , friends , neighbours - there ’ s an expectation that we have to be coping well at all times . Because of this , it ’ s natural for us not to reveal what is going on . In order not to worry others , or perhaps because we feel that others won ’ t understand , we keep it to ourselves .
So what happens if we DON ’ T talk about it ?
A carer once said to me “ Sometimes after a tough day , feelings and thoughts come to my head . Sometimes the thoughts are so horrible , I don ’ t even allow myself to think them . I try to push them away and move on ”.
Sound familiar ? It is the most common phrase I have found when working with carers . We don ’ t even
Sometimes I hear carers say ‘ I don ’ t want to talk about it ’ when encouraged to talk about their feelings and emotions . They are
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