Small Person, Big Changes
Verbal Encouragement
The most recognizable form of encouragement is the use of verbal statements
like, “Thank you for helping me make
dinner. I really appreciate it!” or, “Wow,
you sure worked hard on that Lego tower.
That was a lot of work,” or, “You must feel
so proud of yourself right now!” Encouraging words like these are more effective
than statements of blanket praise like,
“You’re such a good sister,” as they focus
on the child’s efforts and help her develop
an internal sense of pride.
Emotional Encouragement
A less obvious, yet vital kind of encouragement is the validation of feelings.
Anytime a parent validates a child’s feelings—whether those feelings are positive
or negative—they are telling that child,
“It’s OK to feel that way; it’s normal,” and
children need to hear this. It lets them
know that they’re unconditionally accepted in the family: exactly what a newly
older sibling needs. Parents can help children feel secure by allowing, articulating,
and accepting all of their feelings—pleasant or not.
Encouragement through
Self Confidence
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When kids begin to act out after a new
baby comes home, what is most likely
happening is that they are mistakenly
thinking that they must regain Mom and
Dad’s attention to secure their place in
the family. The message coded in their
behavior is, “Notice me! Involve me use-
fully!” Parents can give even very young
children jobs to help out; opportunities
to be noticed and become involved. They
can help set the table, wash the windows,
prepare food, shop at the store, get themselves dressed, take charge of their routines, help themselves to their own snacks,
pour their own drinks, wipe the table, and
many other age-appropriate tasks. These
are the kinds of activities that give kids
confidence and help them feel like valued,
contributing members of the family.
One-on-One Encouragement
When a new baby comes home, give your
child a gift: the gift of time. The best gift
for an older sibling is simply a parent’s
regular focus connecting with them during this difficult transition (and beyond).
After the birth of a new sibling is a perfect
time to start scheduling regular “special
time” together, during which the child
leads the play for 15-20 minutes every
day. It is a daily opportunity to ensure
some valuable one-on-one time with
older children, and kids look forward to
this regular part of the day with each parent. It communicates to a child, “I’m here
for you. You are important.”
When children become new older siblings, parents can help kids feel secure
by understanding and responding to the
motivation behind their behavior—that
instinctive pursuit of significance and belonging—more so than the behavior itself.
Children need to be encouraged to realize
their place in the family. They are significant and they do belong, and they need to
know that.