Making Time-Outs
Positive
By Kelly Bartlett
In parenting, time-outs have an important
and effective role. A time-out is a chance
for both children and parents to pause,
regroup, and collect themselves. They are
most effective when they are about feeling
better as opposed to being used as a “thinking tool” or a punitive reaction to an inappropriate action. Rather, when they are used
non-punitively—in a proactive way, much
like those taken in sports games—time-outs
teach acceptance and management of strong
emotions and are a very effective discipline
tool.
When emotions are running high, everyone
needs time to calm down and feel better
so that they can “improve their game.” Dr.
Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Time Out,
advocates that children have very immature
levels of brain development and need a lot
of help in regulating their emotions. “Where
in the world did we get this crazy idea that
in order for children to do better, first we
have to make them feel worse?” says Nelsen.
“Children do better when they feel better.”
She says that the way many time-outs are
implemented only serve to make a child feel
worse; ashamed or isolated when they could
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be opportunities to help children learn how
to handle strong emotions.
Here are some steps you can take to
ensure that time-outs are positive,
helpful experiences for your child:
Talk about feelings.
At a time when no one is currently distressed, talk to your child about moments
when he’s been really upset. Let him know
that everyone gets angry, sad, and frustrated
sometimes and feeling this way is okay.
Make sure your child knows that feelings
are always okay. But some emotions sure
don’t feel pleasant, and it helps to know
what to do then.
Designate a feel-good spot.
Ask your child’s input on where the two
of you could create a “feel good” place. It
might be in her room or it might be on the
couch in the living room. To some children, going into a bedroom might seem
too isolating and would prefer to be able
to see a parent, while other children might
choose their room because it can keep out
younger siblings. Whether it is a bedroom,