Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain LIFE Spring 2015, Issue 11 | Page 24

Support
For the Supporters

by Deborah Barrett, PhD, MSW, LCSW
A Column for the Ones Who Care for People with Chronic Pain Conditions
The National Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Association is delighted to announce:
This is the first in a new series written explicitly for family members, close
friends, and other supporters of people with chronic pain conditions. Chronic
pain not only impacts those with pain but also the people in their lives.
WHAT ABOUT ME? The taboo
question when someone you care about
is suffering
My wife has fibromyalgia, degeneraive
spinal disease, and post-surgical
problems. She can only sit or stand
for limited periods, and has not been
able to sleep more than two hours at
a time for years. Without restorative
sleep, and with severe pain, she is,
shall we say, “pretty darn grumpy.”
She has a short fuse and can be verbally abusive. I understand that she
feels miserable and try to let this
roll of my back. Intimacy is also out
of the question. But I married “for
better or worse.”

draining to witness someone you love
in pain day after day. Plus, burying your
own needs – whether to protect your
spouse, avoid conflict, or from resignation – erodes emotional closeness and
intimacy.
To flourish as a couple in the face of
chronic pain requires being able to
support each other. Identifying the “elephants in the room,” such as your own
frustration or desires, however difficult,
is key. The trick is to do this a in a way
that opens up opportunities to unite
in the face of pain, rather than incite a
cycle of guilt and blame.
How to do this?

Dear “For Better or Worse,”
Compassion for your wife’s experience
may buffer you from taking her behavior
personally. Nonetheless this ungentle
treatment will wear on you and the relationship. The tragedy is that you both
may be struggling similarly with sadness, frustration, anger, guilt, and grief,
while feeling alone in your suffering.

1. Waiting for a pain-free time may be
futile. However, you both benefit from
creating moments in which you can
feel calm and present with each other.
Support your partner to take steps to
increase her comfort, such as with heat/
ice, cushions, medication, lighting,
music, or whatever allows for a more
relaxing space.

Recent research documents that well
partners often experience comparable
declines in life quality, yet voicing the
struggles of well partners seems almost taboo. However, as you know, it is

2. Validate. People who live with pain
often feel like nobody understands.
Share your compassionate observations
with your wife: “I know you are hurting
and exhausted and frustrated.” People

24  Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain

Life

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