FOCUS ON
FAMILY OR
YOUR CAREER
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
by Denise Marek
illustration by Hiroyuki Kikuchi
It was just like any other day: my two teenaged
daughters were standing on the sidewalk at the
front of the school waiting for me to pick them
up--but there was one thing different about this
day. It was my oldest daughter’s very last day of
high school. As I pulled over to let them in the
car, I was suddenly filled with joy because I knew
I had made the right choice.
The choice to which I’m referring was to drive
my daughters to and from school every day. It
was necessary to drive them when they were little,
but when they were in high school it became
my choice. At times I had struggled with that
decision. It meant my work days were shorter, yet
it also meant I got the best conversation time of
the day with my girls. My decision allowed me
to gain time with my children and caused me to
lose time building my business. Was I doing the
right thing?
I remember one of my career-focused girlfriends
saying to me, “Denise, you should make your
girls take the bus to school because you should be
more focused on your career.” Her kids took the
bus to school and she worked very hard. Don’t get
me wrong, she was a terrific mother. We just had
different parenting styles. She was very successful
in her field and she wanted to see me “succeed”
too.
But what is success? Sheryl Sandberg, in her book
Lean In, wrote, “If I had to embrace a definition
of success, it would be that success is making the
best choices we can . . . and accepting them.”1
It can be hard to make choices when it comes to
family and career. Should I start a family? Should
I focus on my career instead? Should I go back
to work after I have children? Once you’ve made
your choices, accepting them can be even more
challenging.
Think about it: There are many moms working
outside of the home who feel guilty because they
think they should be at home with the kids.
Many stay-at-home moms feel guilty because
they think they should be contributing to the
family’s income. Many worn-out women feel
guilty about relaxing because they think they
should be busy working on something else. Can
you see how much guilt a little word can create?
How do we get over this guilt so we can make the
best choices we can and have the inner peace that
comes with accepting those choices?
The first step is to eliminate the word should from
your vocabulary. It’s time we stop “should-ing”
all over ourselves! Replace the word should with
words such as could, choose to, or choose not to.
For instance, “I could make my daughters take
the bus but I choose to drive them.” That type of
self-talk puts you back in a position of power.
The second step is to ask yourself, Is what I’m
doing appropriate in this situation? In my
situation, was it appropriate for me to drive my
children to and from high school every day? Yes,
because it was right for me. Was it appropriate
for my friend to make her kids take the bus? Of
course! It was right for her. As I wrote in my book
CALM: A Proven Four-Step Process Designed
Specifically for Women Who Worry, “Take
action because it’s right for you, not because you
want to please others or avoid criticism.”2 Don’t
follow societal “rules” about what you should do
with your life. Follow your heart, listen to your
intuition, and do what’s right for you.
However, there may be times when you ask
yourself if what you’re doing is appropriate or
right for you and your answer is no. Should you
feel guilty then? Absolutely not. Guilt is not
productive, but creating an action plan is. An
action plan is your list of strategies for making
positive changes, resolving problems, and learning
from past mistakes.
To create your own action plan, ask yourself:
What actions can I take to make this situation
more favorable? Become an active participant in
making a change for the better. For instance, if
you’re feeling guilty about working long hours
instead of spending time with your family or
friends, create an action plan that includes specific
dates and times when you will have time together.
Not only does this help reduce your guilty feelings
wh