CHLOE MAGAZINE
U
nfortunately, I can’t even count
how many horror stories I have
heard about smart, mature
women being duped into going on dates
with guys who are great online, but turn
out to be real life train wrecks. So how the
hell did these guys manage to capture and
maintain the interest of women for long
enough to even get to the meet-and-greet
stage of the online dating process? Well the
answer is simple enough...
These days, life online is all about shameless
self-promotion and the strategic release of
information. In a few short years, we have
managed to become our very own PR gurus.
Status updates and tweets are carefully
thought out, photos are closely surveyed
before being tinted with just the right filter,
and for the right price, profiles can even be
created for you by a professional! We, as a
society, have mastered the art of online image
manipulation; thus, many men choose to
sow their seeds in cyber space - where they
feel most comfortable and, of course, look
the coolest.
Now ladies, my purpose here is not to scare
you out of online dating (after all, where
else is a fabulous, workaholic, marathonrunning philanthropist like yourself
supposed to meet a guy anyway??). What
I want to do is help you sniff out the
weirdoes as early as possible so that you’ll
avoid yet another dating disaster. With all
these online image manipulators lurking
about, there has never been a better time to
fine tune your Creep-radar to help you see
beyond the carefully created profiles of your
suitors.
Here a few examples of the guys you need
to avoid like the plague - no matter now
great their abs look in their profile pictures:
Excessive Emoticon Usage Guy: If your
suitor can’t bare to hit the send button
without throwing a ;), a :) or a :P into
EVERY FRIGGIN’ MESSAGE, you have
likely found yourself a sociopath. Sure,
if he’s “so bummed he missed your last
message :(“, it’s kind of cute; but if every
message has an accompanying emoticon, it’s
time to log off and move on.
3am Messenger Guy: Girl, if the only
YOU’VE
GOT MAIL...
NOW RUN
For an online dater, there is no greater tragedy
than showing up for a highly anticipated first
meeting with a guy, only to sit across from him
thinking, “Who is this sociopathic weirdo and
what did he do with the hot, funny, charmer
I’ve been chatting with for the past week??”
words by Nikita Simone
illustration by Hiroyuki Kikuchi
messages you get from a guy appear in the
middle of the night, you can assume he’s
hiding under the covers and messaging you
while his girlfriend is asleep beside him.
Either that or he had to down a few beers
in order to work up the confidence talk to
you - if that’s the case, ask yourself how
wasted he would need to be when he meets
you in person...
Probable Sexual Predator Guy: Men think
about sex all the time. We get it. But if he
can’t resist the urge to throw a few sexual
innuendos into your conversation before
he’s even actually met you, the guy is likely
a bit of a pervert. If that’s your thing - awesome.
If it’s not your thing, time to say ‘Adios’ to
Casanova.
Pathological Liar Guy: Chatting with a guy
who sounds too good to be true? Well then
it’s time to do some minor fact checking. I’m
not saying to scour the internet digging up
dirt on Mr. Perfect, but if his LinkedIn
account info does not the match ‘
Professional’ section of his dating profile,
you have found yourself a fibber, and since
honesty is the foundation of every relationship,
you need to kick him to the curb
immediately.
Serial Messenger Guy: Did your
grandmother call and distract you from
your conversation for 30minutes? And
when you came back to your computer,
were you greeted by 8 messages asking
whether you’re there still or if something
he said had upset you? RUN!!! This guy is
needy and insecure and he is going F