iPad Games: An Investigation
Breaking News: Students are playing games on their iPads
By Ryan Israel
more shockingly, I saw students playing these iPad
play them while walking between classes.
Chieftain Managing Editor (For Now)
games during class! While teachers were giving
Our research reveals that 81.3% of students have
What if I told you that students in our Catholic,
lectures or going over homework!
played games on their iPad during class at least
God-abiding school were playing games on their
I know it is hard to believe, but it is the truth.
once; 29.44% of students could be diagnosed with
iPads? You may not believe it, but during my
a gaming addiction due to excessive game
fi ve weeks undercover, I learned a lot about
playing. Maybe shocking, but true. These are
the plague that is iPad games.
not alternative facts.
I decided to go undercover after I heard
The games came from a wide range of
rumors on the internet that students at Broth-
categories. There were puzzle games, like
er Rice were playing games on their iPads. I
“Flow Free,” “Six!,” “Outfolded,” “Swipe
couldn’t believe it. The iPads were intended
Brickbreaker,” and “2048.” There were multi-
to be used for educational purposes. Could
player games, like “Flappy Golf 2,” “Virtual
students possibly be using their iPads for
Table Tennis,” and “8 Ball Pool.” There are
non-educational purposes? When did students
‘.io’ games like “paper.io,” “slither.io,” and
fi nd time to play games if they were doing
“snake.io.” There were racing games like
schoolwork all day?
“MMX Hill Climb” and “Hill Climb Racing
I needed answers, so I contacted the Ad-
2.” Several students had MyPlayers in “NBA
ministration and they allowed me to conduct
2K17.” Students were even gambling away
my undercover investigation. I was enrolled
fi ctional money in casino games.
as a student in January and spent the month
When I emerged from undercover, I knew
using the alias “Floyd Sherman” to blend in.
that I had been given a mission from God. My
The things that I saw were shocking, so if you
mission was to report the truth and, while it
don’t think you can stomach these revelations,
may be hard to accept, we need to accept it:
This shocking image was taken of a student playing a game in class
stop reading immediately.
Students play games on their iPads. They play
During the fi rst week of my investigation, I had
When students were given free time to work on
games in class, they play games in between class,
to gain the trust of the students and was unable to
homework, they would play games. In the lunch-
they play games while the teacher is talking, and
make many observations. From that point on, I saw
room and in the Academic Resource Center, stu-
they play games when the teacher isn’t talking.
at least 50 kids who had games on their iPads. Even
dents could be found playing games. Students even
And now I’m addicted to gaming, too.
Paranormal Activity
iPads To Be Replaced
By Casper
A lot of students at Brother Rice have reported to
the Chieftain that they have noticed some paranor-
mal activity going on around the school.
One student reported that he saw the ghost of
Mr. Rademacher writing the quadratic formula on a
Smart Board. Another student reported hearing the
voice of Mr. Hoch coming from a room in D-Wing.
Lastly, a student reported that the ghost of Mr.
Rayles gave him a detention for wearing the wrong
type of socks. He also mentioned that Mr. Rayles
said he would not be rounding up.
To report paranormal activity, email us at ghosts@
brrice.edu. By An iWarrior
Brother Rice has offi cially announced that the
iPad program will be replaced next year. Instead
of iPads for academic work during the school year,
each student will be given one scroll of papyrus for
each class that they have.
The scroll is meant to last for the entire year and
can only be written on with a feather pen dipped in
Incan ink, which can be bought exclusively at the
Brother Rice bookstore for the reasonable price of
$99.99 (plus $19.99 for shipping and handling).
The Chieftain Staff By A Confused Student
A lot of people having been telling me that teach-
ers do not actually live at school. This doesn’t make
any sense. Of course, teachers live at school.
The idea that teachers have homes and don’t
just sleep in their classrooms under their desks is
preposterous. Our teachers at Brother Rice are so
dedicated that it only makes sense that they spend
every moment at the school. Just look at Mr. Hickey.
If anybody has information as to where teachers
go after a long school day, please email us at con-
[email protected].
Former Managing
Editor:
Assistant Editor:
Googs:
Not a Real Person:
Robert Bunz:
Best Laugh:
Rubik’s Cube Man:
Investigative
Booler:
Randy Israel
Nolan Erskine Geraghty
Jack Fitzpatrick
Squishy Powel Watts
Bobby Kunz
Billy Nienstedt III
Sante Dybowski
D Shaffer
“Michael Phelps is a real-
ly fast swimmer.”
-Ryan Lochte
“Alabama has a good
football team.”
Do Teachers Live Here?
“The Cubs will never
win a World Series”
- Tim Kurkjian
-Paul Finebaum
Editor’s Note: This article was reprint-
ed, poorly, with permission from our-
selves. It originally ran in the Chieftain
Vol. 25 No. 2, printed in Nov. 1986.
“The Bears will win
the Super Bowl”
- Alshon Jeffery, Philadelphia Eagles
“Lebron James would be
MVP of the WNBA.”
-Stephen A. Smith
Clutch Gene Research Mono Outbreak Chieftain Discontinued
By Doctor Medicine
A group of AP Biology students at Brother Rice
have reached a turning point in their resea rch on the
clutch gene, a gene found in athletes that gives them
the ability to perform well at the
end of a close competition.
Scouts and coaches every-
where have spent many sleep-
less nights trying to determine
whether or not a player has the
clutch gene. The students are studying stolen cells
from Tom Brady’s jersey. Stay tuned. By A Sick Senior
An outbreak of mononucleosis, often called
“mono” or “the kissing disease,” has infected the
Brother Rice Senior class. Over 25 Seniors have con-
tracted the virus, and the number of those infected
continues to grow.
The mono, combined with the even more debil-
itating Senioritis, has lead Seniors to miss a large
number of school days. Seniors are advised to avoid
sharing water bottles or cups of that delicious coffee
they just added to the cafeteria. A special Chieftain
investigation has revealed no clear cause so far. By The Haters
It is with great sadness that we inform you, our
loyal readers, that the Chieftain will be discontinued.
This will be our last issue.
In this increasingly digital world, print journalism
is on the decline. The decline of print journalism,
combined with budget cuts in paper purchasing and
our inability to correctly spell our headlines, has led
the Administration to discontinue the Chieftain.
It’s sad, we know, but we’re sure you’ll fi nd an-
other source for your news. We’ve heard CC has a
good newspaper. Peace and Love, Brother Rice.
B ROTHER R I C E H IG H S C H O O L C H I E F TA I N
P AGE 2
A P R I L 1, 2017