I can ’ t be depressed . My name is Glady for crying out loud . It makes no sense . I would know if I were depressed because I studied depression .
During a battle with myself , I caved in and decided to start seeking help . This was my first session with a therapist and I was falsely open , and deeply defensive . More denial on top of denial pretending to be acceptance .
“ Be kind to myself . Self-compassion . Recognize and acknowledge what I ’ m feeling .”
“ Avoid rumination / obsessing , just acknowledge then ask what ’ s the most kind thing I can do for myself right now ?”
“ Clinically depressed ”
Some notes from the session . She also went into depth about my lack of socialization being in the danger zone .
While I fought the idea of depression and some of the stuff the therapist said , I made some efforts to help myself out . I put myself out there to start meeting people so I can socialize and increase my creative moments because they felt good .
09-21-2015 - 01:54am “ If I don ’ t take advantage of this situation I ’ m wasting a lot and I ’ m not worth quitting .”
This is so dumb . I actually felt like I didn ’ t deserve to quit my job . This is real . Stupid , but real . There ’ s that infamous need for self-compassion . I obviously didn ’ t listen to the therapist because that ’ s definitely not the most kind thing . I felt that if my hustle wasn ’ t strong , and I wasn ’ t successful on the side then I didn ’ t earn the choice to quit my job . It ’ s that logic brain of mine . It ’ s not a nice part of my brain , it ’ s not always right , but it thinks it ’ s helping me . It wants to protect me so much that I ’ m not able to experience risk in life or chase my dreams .
10-01-2015 - 06:07am “ I ’ m no good for this . I ’ m useless . I have no money . I ’ m saving and making payments for my own selfish adventure . I want to quit my job because I feel stuck and cutoff . I have nothing to offer .”
This entry expressed how I felt useless to all those around me . I should have been saving my money to live off of when I quit my job .
I should have been saving for a down on a house . Or a thousand other logical things one would save money for .
Instead , I let my heart sign me up for a 30 day trip around Europe . Then I spent the next year leading up to the trip feeling like I didn ’ t deserve it . Feeling stupid for committing to it and most of all feeling selfish .
When you spend thousands of dollars on an experience 100 % only for you ( not your family or business , just you ), it ’ s hard not to feel overwhelmingly selfish , stupid , and even ashamed .
Booking that Europe trip was the first big decision I let my heart make and my logical brain didn ’ t like it one bit . It made no sense , unless the point was to cause harm and distress to the current way of life .
Little did I know , that kind of was the point .
01-04-2016 - 05:44am “ I often wonder if someone will read this sad excuse for a journal and think I ’ m pathetic or think less of me and pity me . I hope not . I hope I have freedom coming and in the end of this notebook or in the next they can read all about it . That ’ s a lot of craziness to dream about , but I ’ ve always had big dreams .”
That was the last entry of that journal .
Good or bad , I would write in that journal . Unfortunately , when shit was really fucked up , I wouldn ’ t write at all . I wouldn ’ t do anything but stay silent and let my inner negative self talk take over and I would believe every word . I didn ’ t even have the energy to do the things that helped me and lit me up . The really fucked up times were between October through December and spotty during January . However in January is when I decided I am not going to live with depression AND live my life in this shitty fashion at the same time . If depression is going to be a part of my life , then I ’ m going to at least make sure my life is a good one . There ’ s no need to suffer in multiple areas of my life when I can change one of them .
On January 15th 2016 I asked myself this question : “ Will I ever
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