grateful for whatever . Not a healthy cycle .
03-08-2015 - 05:00am “ Maybe I ’ ll create something . Creating things takes time and sparks me up . It ’ s 05:00am , the last two hours , the home stretch .”
Creating things and working on my business during work hours was one of the things that just lit me up , helped me forget for a little bit about the depression I denied I had , the crazy thoughts , and the guilt . Being creative gave me energy . It gave me passion .
I didn ’ t understand how all this related to depression until very recently . I was reading a book called “ The No Bullshit Guide To Depression ” by Steven Skoczen and I fully encourage anyone who is curious about depression to read it . In his book when he talks about building your toolbox , he talks about being creative . He tells us that being creative gives us more energy , and you should know that depression is an energy-sucking flu . Lastly , he tells us that the opposite of depression isn ’ t what we think , it ’ s not happiness . It ’ s passion . So while I didn ’ t really understand why I turned to creativity to help me , I was on to something .
05-04-2015 - 03:33am “ I get 2-4hrs of sleep and head to work . It ’ s not efficient and not healthy , something has to change ! My favorite option would be to leave my job ! Switch to a normal people schedule . Then I believe the pieces would fall into place with my health , spending time with Daniel , and my business … I can dream , right ?”
At this point , Daniel has joined the life of the day walkers for about two months . Which means I lost my graveyard buddy . Daniel & I both worked graves together for years ( not at the same place ), so at least I had someone on my timezone . Now I felt completely alone .
Also , if you couldn ’ t tell from the journal entry , I was in full denial . All sorts of false-beliefs happening . I had it in my head that quitting my job would suddenly make all the things okay . I would magically kick depression to the curb for good . HA !
To be fair to myself , at this point I was STILL in denial of even having depression .
09-03-2015 - 01:50pm “ I just got back from therapy .”
As you can see there ’ s a bit of a gap between entries . Soon after that May entry , two big things happened . One , against better judgment I booked a thirty day trip through Europe to take place throughout August 2016 . Two , I started to wonder . I had a bachelors in Psychology after all and started to notice things . I would become curious about depression , research it , then shame myself . Then become curious , research it , and shame myself again .
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