SPECIAL
PARENT
RESOURCES
The following books were recom-
mended by the experts interviewed.
Eileen Schneider advises “it is crucial
to read the book first and ensure
that there is not even one page with
uncomfortable wording or religious
concepts that would be difficult for
the child to process.”
• I Miss You by Pat Thomas
• When Dinosaurs Die
by Laurie Brown
• Finding Your Own Way to Grieve: A
Creative Activity Workbook for Kids
and Teens on the Autism Spectrum
by Karla Helbert
• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
• Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities
for Helping Kids Cope When a
Special Person Dies by Janis Silverman
“If you don’t know how to answer a
question (such as ‘What happens when
you die?’), ask the child what he or she
thinks happens. This is a way to find out
what your child’s understanding is, and
how they choose to think about the per-
son who is gone. You may want to check
in from time to time about how he is
feeling, and even make a comment such
as, ‘I’m sad today because I miss Nana.’
It is helpful to show your special needs
child it is safe to say those things and
have those feelings and it is important
to share them. If talking is too difficult
for your child, or if he or she is nonver-
bal, you can give them other ways to
express their feelings. Art is a wonderful
medium, whether through drawing or
finger painting, or clay, or even building
with Legos.”
Schneider has a suggestion that many
parents may overlook.
“You may need to rely on your non-
special needs child to help out if you
are occupied. This may seem like an
undue burden, but it may actually help
your other child to deal with his or her
grief by distracting and spending time
with your special needs child,” she says.
“When talking about older relatives and
201magazine.com
“SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN…THRIVE ON ROUTINE.
DEATH IS SOMETHING
THAT ALWAYS CHANGES
ROUTINE AND HAS
THE ADDITIONAL
OVERLAY OF
VERY STRONG
EMOTION.”
Eileen Schneider
clinical social
worker, Tenafly
friends dying, it is part of what we have
come to understand as part of the chain
of events in our lifetimes. However, if a
young parent or sibling dies, it’s much
harder to cope with and understand.
The crucial piece for your special needs
child here will be to have a trusted
friend, relative, or older cousin to be the
child’s go-to person during the whole
process until life begins to normalize a
bit. Keep to your child’s routine the best
you can.”
Sh ould a child attend the funeral?
You know your child best. There will be
crowds of people, a lot of sitting, a lot
of talking and perhaps a lot of crying.
It may be overwhelming.
“If your child is ambivalent about
attending the funeral, or it is not
appropriate to do so, let her know that
there are many ways to remember and
celebrate the person’s life,” Altman
says. “Encourage your child to com-
memorate the loved one’s relationship
with her. You can have her dictate or
write a letter to the surviving family
members expressing condolences, or
share a funny story about the person,
or the favorite memories your child has
of her. If your child is nonverbal or has
difficulty finding the words, she can
draw a picture, make a memory box, or
a collage of photographs. Celebrating
the life of a loved one and helping your
child participate in the grieving process
helps to teach children the lesson that
although people may die, the feelings of
love we have for them, the experiences
shared, and the way they felt about us
are still present, and something we will
always carry with us.” ●
– LESLIE PERLMUTTER
(201) FAMILY | APRIL/MAY 2017
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