dealing
with
death
WAYS TO HELP SPECIAL NEEDS
CHILDREN COPE WITH THE LOSS
OF A LOVED ONE
18
APRIL/MAY 2017 | (201) FAMILY
routine. Death is something that always
changes routine and has the additional
overlay of very strong emotion. This is
so hard for us, so one can imagine how
impossible it is for a special needs child.”
Dr. Jen Altman, a psychologist with
an office in Ho-Ho-Kus, advises, “Know
your child and the level at which she
can understand what is happening.
Keeping the message simple and direct
is important.”
Rachel Santiago, a licensed clinical
social worker with the COR group in
Closter, agrees.
“Avoid metaphors. Use literal lan-
guage. For example, if a family member
dies of a heart attack, tell them that
the person’s heart stopped working,”
she says. “They might benefit from dis-
cussing the causes and risks of a heart
attack – that it is rare and often the risk
can be reduced with a healthy diet and
exercise. Saying someone passed away
in their sleep could cause them to fear
going to sleep that night as they might
equate sleep with the cause of death.”
Altman has suggestions for how and
when to tell a child about a death.
“The best way to tell your child is to
make a special time to talk. This con-
versation is important, so it’s not one to
have in the car on the way to pick up a
sibling, or right before gymnastics class
or chess lessons,” she says. “Start by
telling your child that you have some
sad news to share with them. Tell them
simply that the person has died. It is
important to show your child you have
feelings about this too, so don’t worry
about crying in front of them. Give your
child permission to feel sad or worried
or angry, that there is no ‘right way’ to
feel or act when you hear this news.”
She adds that you should ask if
your child has any questions and then
answer them.
201magazine.com
W
e lost many
beloved celeb-
rities in 2016.
Consequently,
death was all
over the news.
Of course, many of us also lost dear
relatives and friends. The concept of
death is difficult for an adult to under-
stand. For a child, let alone a child with
special needs, it can be impossible to
comprehend. We asked a few local
experts to weigh in on how best to
explain death to children with special
needs.
Eileen Schneider, a licensed clinical
social worker, with an office in Tenafly,
explained some of the unique challenges.
“I would say the difference between a
neurotypical child understanding death
and a special needs child is that the
special needs child may be more con-
crete in his or her understanding, less
able to give empathy to the parent who
may have lost his or her own parent.
The special needs child may be focused
on his or her own needs,” she says.
“For example, a grandparent dies and
the child says, ‘Am I still going to karate
today?’ Special needs children may not
react or seem to understand and later fall
apart over something seemingly inconse-
quential. One thing we know about spe-
cial needs children is that they thrive on