Transforming Today's World Magazine November 2012 Volume 5 Issue 2 | Page 38
Despite religion’s convoluted association with my abuse, I never doubted who Jesus was, and is, in my heart. I feel Him…I know Him personally. He’s always been in my life. But regardless of his constant presence, I was broken and angry and began running from the pain. I used drugs, alcohol and all kinds of damaging and rebellious behavior to numb the pain. I lived life recklessly and as I saw fit, disregarding authority of any kind. I was “looking for love in all the wrong places,” but all I really ever wanted was to feel whole...to feel truly loved unconditionally by ONE good man and live a happy, healthy, “normal” life. Could I ever be normal? F- My God, Tehrah! How fascinating that you can live through that horror and come out with this perspective! MY GOD! So many “Christians” talk about forgiving, but they never live it! Being a true “Jesus person” demands walking the walk. Talk is cheap, and Christianity has become “big business” in so many ways. It’s easy to hear about Jesus IN church, but the key is to live Him in life! You’re talking about a true intimate relationship with Jesus at the helm of your ship; directing it, sailing it and reaching the shoreline every time. What you have gone through would be devastating to most; they would carry it throughout their lives and drag their heart through a victim mentality. You have forgiven and released which has given you the freedom to release your children from the “victim mentality” and, most importantly, has broken the cycle of abuse in your family, which has gone on through many generations. Having lived through all of this, what do you think the experience of abuse does to a child’s perception of life? From the memories of the “child within” you, how does that distort how you see things, and how does that carried pain evolve through adulthood? How does that horror affect your decision-making abilities and your perception of reality? My God! I’m so sorry my friend…So very sorry. T- Well, I’m not one of those sexually abused women who hate men, but it most certainly turned me into a “control freak!” I sometimes felt as though I had to control absolutely everything and every aspect of my life…And, if I found myself unable to control the situation, sometimes I felt so out of control to the point of wanting to just give up all the control for someone else to manage. Then I had these unrealistic expectations of others to take care of me or the situation at hand, and that became such a burden for others to carry. It’s a no win situation…No matter what they do, it’s still never enough! I finally grew tired of controlling every aspect of my ������$�������䰃�q1�Ё�������1�Ё����t�$���ٔ���չ���ѡ�Ёѡ��=91d�݅䁽�а��́ѡɽ՝���9�Ё�����ɥ�Յ�������́ݡ�ɔ�ݔ�����ɔ��͡�ٔ���ݸ�������ٽ�������ѥٔ����ѥ��́�ȁ�������̰���Ё���Յ��䁕��Ʌ���ѡ���������ѡ��������ɽ���qѡ���ѽ��t��ɽչ���qݡ�Ё����������t�]����ݔ����ѡ�ϊ�х����ЁѼ��������ɕ���͔��ӊ�ѡ��������ɔ�ݔ����܁�а�ݗ�eɔ������������ѕȁ�����ٕ��Յ��䁽��Ѽ����ѕȁ���̄���!�ٔ��ԁ�ٕȁ��ٕ����ȁ������ٕȁѼ�ͽ����������ѡ��eٔ�����ɕ��ѡ�Ёɕ����ͥ��������!�ٔ�ѡ��ɕ����х������ɔ��������ɔ��ԁ�����Ѽ�����Ё��������e�eٔ����ф���ٔ����ͥٔ�����Ё���Օ̸���ԁ���Ё��ٔ�Ѽ��P��=�٥��ͱ䰁'�eٔ�����������ѥ������՝�����ɽ��ѥ���Ѽ�ѥ����ݥѠ�����Ё���Օ́��Ё'�e���ٽ�٥����]��Ё'�eٔ����ɹ����ɽ��ѡ�́ѡ�՝����́ѡ�Ё������́�Ս�����ɕ����́���ӊ�����ݔ����������٥�Յ��䁡�ٔ��������ٕ�����������������͔���ȁ��٥���������ӊé��ٕɹ��������������ɕ�ѕ����ѡ��!���M��ɥи�%ӊé��ȁ�ݸ�����٥�Յ��ɕ����ͥ������Ѽ����������������х���ѡ����ɕ�ѥ��������ȁ��ٕϊ����������ե�������������9<�=9���͗������9�ѡ������͔��]��͡�ձ����ٕȁ��ٔ���ȁ��ٕ́Ѽ���役������������䁝�ٕɹ���а����ѥ��ѥ��́�������ѕ�̸�%Ё͕�ٕ́����������ݔ����Ё���ɕ���ȁ�������́������ٕȁ��ȁ�ѡ��́Ѽ��������ȁ����ͥ��́ѡ�Ёݥ����ɕ�є�����͡������ȁ��ٕϊ��፱Ց���������ɕ����������͔��]����ٔ���ɔ���ݕȁѡ���ݔ�ѡ���������ݡ���ݔ�������Ѽ������ٔ�ѡ�̰�ݔ�ݥ����ٕ��Յ���͕�����ͥٔ�������������ȁݽɱ���5䁙�ٽɥє�ѡ����)���́ͅ���݅́ѡ�Ё]���������ٕ���ɕ�ѕȁѡ���́ѡ���!���'�e���х�ѥ���Ѽ������ٔ��Є�'�e���፥ѕ��Ѽ�͕��ݡ�Ё��ɔ�ݔ���������!��݅́��饹���������Ѽ�ѡ����ѡ�Ёݔ���������]���������ɔ��]=\��9�ܰ�ѡ�ӊé��܁ݔ��ɕ�є��q!��ٕ�������ѣ�t���܄����݅��́�́Ѽ���ٔ���ȁ��ٕ̄�ձ����Є�=ѡ��ݥ͔��ݡ�ӊé��٥��������)�䁅�������́�́���é����х�Ё�хє��]��ݽձ���eЁ!��݅�Ёѡ�́��ȁ���������́�����ɕ���9�܄�Q���������Ё�Є((��()�Ʌ�͙�ɵ���ѽ����ݽɱ�����((0