HE: Do people that you share this boundary information with
often say that setting boundaries seems mean?
SHE: Ohhhh yeah. The most common response I get when
discussing boundaries is, “I could never do that! It would
be so unkind!” The reality is, what many people think of as
kindness is actually passivity. Only you are responsible for
yourself and that means you cannot manage the emotions
and behaviors of difficult people in your life. When you are
passive with problem family members (giving into their demands, excusing their poor behavior, etc.), you are enabling
their negative behavior! Setting boundaries is actually one of
the kindest things you can do because it provides the opportunity for change.
HE: These principles don’t just apply to families with tension
or stressful family histories.
SHE: Definitely, in fact in healthier or more easy-going families sometimes setting holiday boundaries can be tougher
because the challenges to your boundaries are not as evident.
HE: So what about families with less direct conflict, how
might this effect them?
SHE: I think it is important to discuss what your nuclear family’s (husband, wife, kids…if any) goals are for the holiday
season. These priorities and goals may be different from you
parents’ or extended family’s goals. This can be especially
tough for newlywed couples. In this situation both families
are probably used to having 100% of your time, but the reality
is that marriage likely means a major reduction in time spent
with your family of origin.
HE: Seven years ago when we got married, I know this was
a bit of an adjustment for us. Even though I knew things
like holidays would be changing after we got married, it
was more of a challenge than I expected. I guess after doing something the same way for 20 plus years really creates
some strong habits. What do you think was important in us
learning how to manage holidays as a couple?
SHE: I think we each had to share what we wanted most and
learn to be flexible with the things we were not used to. But it
also took willingness to put each other first.
HE: When we were adjusting to holiday visits as newlyweds,
I think what was most helpful was recognizing that we were
creating a new family, separate from our birth families and
that this new family would include new traditions. Another
big help was getting on a regular schedule with our siblings
so we were all visiting for holidays at the same time.
SHE: I found that learning how to put our needs above the expectations of family members was difficult, but was so much
easier because we were on the same team and presented
the changes to our families in a unified way. This not only
strengthened our relationship and created respect for our
marriage, it allowed us to protect ourselves from resentment
that could have developed if we gave into family pressure.
HE: It is important to remember that most of the time families who want to spend time with you are trying to do so out
of love and good intentions. But, you’re right, despite these
good intentions you can easily find yourself angry with family
members who you do not create boundaries with. This takes
the beautiful memories of your childhood and sours them
and it prevents you from building sweet new traditions in
your home.
SHE: What other common challenges do people face when
planning for holiday visits?
HE: Well, for me, a major challenge is finding time to spend on
my own or with just you. I love visiting with my family, but I am
the type of person who needs some alone time to recharge.
In reality, I need some recharge time everyday and especially
when that day has been spent in a house full of people! I used
to feel guilty taking time for me and would avoid it.
SHE: I remember; this did not work well for you. By the end
of the day you were basically a zombie sitting off to the side.
HE: Yeah, I was failing to engage with people because I was
drained; yet I refused to take time for myself to recharge.
Eventually, I learned that no one likes a Christmas zombie
and began finding ways to take 10 minutes here and there
to myself. This helped keep me stay energetic and involved
throughout the day. I also appreciate how you don’t give me
a hard time about this. You are supportive of my break, which
really helps ease the guilt factor on my part.
SHE: Well, like you said no one likes a Christmas zombie.
HE: Like your family opening Christmas gifts on Christmas
Eve. I am still not used to that!
SHE: Hey, your family is the crazy one that opens them on
Christmas morning!
HE: Similarly, you really need for us to spend some time just
the two of us over the holidays.
definitely need it at some point. I just don’t like feeling like
we spent a whole holiday without making some memories
for the just the two of us. I think building memories like that
is important for couples, whether they have kids or not, as it
helps maintain the bond that only a husband and wife can
share. It does not have to be a big event; sometimes taking a
walk or running an errand and stopping for coffee can fit the
bill. I know we often spend some time at night asking each
other what our favorite part of the day was; that helps.
HE: So, holiday season is coming and there is nothing we
can do to stop that. Thankfully, we can prepare how and
where we want to spend our time. Of course, we need to be
considerate when we are making our plans, but even more
important than consideration is our boundaries as a couple.
Whether someone has a happy, healthy family or a difficult,
distressing family, boundaries can help make the holidays
something enjoyable rather than something that is merely
survived.
SHE: Working with your spouse or loved one to plan ahead
and prioritize your relationship not only helps solidify your
relationship, but also helps protect it against pressures that
would tug two people in different directions. In other words,
holidays mean time with the family, but what people forget is
that we get to define just what “family” means.
SHE: Yeah, I don’t need “us time” everyday during visits, but I
Dr. Seth Rainwater is a Clinical Psychologist and managing partner at LifeCare Psychology Group. He was raised in Florence before going to college, meeting his wife, Brittany, and then earning his doctorate alongside her at Regent
University in Virginia. After the Drs. Rainwater finished training, they moved back to SC so Brittany could work at the VA and Seth could join the family practice and work with colleagues he admires and trusts. Dr. Seth sees clients
with depression, anxiety, and broken relationships and loves helping the community that has given so much to him over the years.
Dr. Brittany Rainwater just completed her residency and is now a Clinical Psychologist with the Veteran’s Administration. She is a native of Oklahoma where she went to college and met her husband, Seth, before earning her doctorate at Regent University. She continues her work full-time at the VA Clinic here in Florence and focuses on helping veterans’ struggles, both psychological and medical. She is honored to serve those who have served our country.
SHEMAGAZINE.COM
NOVEMBER 2015
95