He Says, She Says
in every issue
FAMILY
MATTERS
DRS. SETH AND BRITTANY RAINWATER
DISCUSS COMMON CHALLENGES THAT
COUPLES FACE DURING THE HOLIDAY
SEASON (INCLUDING SOME THEY FACED
THEMSELVES) AND HOW TO MANAGE THEM
IN A HEALTHY WAY.
HE: It’s that time of year again!
SHE: Yes, it’s holiday season which means lots of fun and celebrating and shopping and
planning and organizing and inviting and visiting and stress and…
HE: I get your point, the holidays can be a prime time for people to get overly stressed
and in tough situations with their family members.
SHE: Exactly, holiday seasons can be one of the most challenging times in couples’
lives. Not only is it hard to remember what we are celebrating at times, it can be difficult to remember how to celebrate! I think there are several factors at play that couples
could benefit from discussing. One of the first and foremost elements at play during
this time of year is just where you will be spending your time. Your families likely have
expectations for when and where you will be celebrating this year. This can be uncomfortable as it feels like you are in a tug-of-war and it can be made worse if the expectations are unrealistic, such as one side of the family expecting you to spend most or all
of the holiday with them.
HE: Totally. Not only are time expectations at play and need to be managed, but just
who you spend your holidays with can also be tricky. The fact of the matter is just
because you are related to someone doe not m ean you like them! Even worse, several
people have relative who have been unkind or even harmful to them in the past. The
idea of spending a holiday pretending to like someone who has hurt you time and time
again is a great way to ruin the season. I know this may not be a popular opinion, but I
don’t think someone has to be invited to a holiday celebration just because they are a
family member. Do you agree?
SHE: Yes, I think it has more to do with the relationship and each individual’s behavior.
For example, if someone has a negative relationship history with a family member and
being around them would be distressing or highly conflictual then I don’t think they
should get a “free pass” just because they are family or just because it is Christmas.
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NOVEMBER 2015
HE: This goes against a lot of social norms, but I think healthy boundaries often
do, especially in the south. While it may be difficult and cause some waves, I think
people need to protect their families from emotional pain even if that means
limiting time or exposure to a certain family member...and yes, especially during
the holidays.
SHE: How would you encourage someone to go about setting a boundary like this?
HE: I think three things help with letting someone know you will not be spending
holiday time with them: Tell them early, tell them directly, and tell them firmly. This
really does not need to be a long conversation and it definitely does not require any
justifications or explanations. The more you add to this conversation the worse it
will go and the harder it will be to stick to your guns. Adding a lot of explaining just
gives the person you are confronting more targets to shoot down during the conversation and can weaken your resolve or lead to further hurts. If I was going to tell
a family member that I would not be joining them for a Thanksgiving, for example,
I would say, “I wanted to let you know that my family will be spending Thanksgiving
doing our own thing this year so we will not be stopping by your celebration. We
hope you have a happy one!” I really would not add any more information than this
even if they asked. All the information the other person needs to know is included
in that sentence. It is important to remember that you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.
SHE: Setting firmer limits with difficult family members might provide an opportunity for a new and healthier relationship to develop. The trouble family member
might begin examining why they were not invited and choose to change, they
may seek out a heart-to-heart with you to discuss past tension (which would be
appropriate, just not during Christmas dinner!), or you might find the person
does not drive you as crazy when you get to spend some time apart from them.
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