ashley elvington
staff writer
The Voice Within
As a child, I became completely fascinated with Jesus. Although I was too young to completely understand everything involved in
having a relationship with God, I clung to the fact that He sent His only Son to die for me, that He loved me and saw me as one of
His children. I recall filling out a sheet the first week of 1st grade and in the space that asked who my hero is, I proudly put Jesus.
Someone saw it and made the comment that I needed to pick someone who actually existed. That was one of my earliest memories
of sadness. I wasn’t sad because I believed that what they said was true, no, I was sad for them… That they didn’t believe someone
as wonderful as my Jesus actually did exist. I kept my answer, as I knew in my heart that He was real.
An only child, I often spent time playing by mys elf. When I’d
tire of playing with Barbies, I’d venture outside to play with our
animals. I’d also spend time talking to God. I remember my first
conversation with him. I was sitting on an empty turned over barrel that the horses’ oats come in, looking up at the sky. It was so
beautiful, each cloud looked like it had been painted in the perfect
position. I just started talking to Him, about anything and everything, and from that day forward, I saw God as my best friend that
I could talk to at any time. While I often questioned why He never
‘spoke’ back to me, I felt that He was listening to every word I said.
My faith took a downward spiral, however, when I was 15 years
old. My grandfather, who was my world growing up, passed away.
While I had lost family members previously, this was the worst.
I became angry at my Best Friend. In my young and naive mind,
I felt betrayed. Instead of reaching out to Him, I cut off communication. I stopped going to church, I put away my Bible... I was
done. My mother tried to help me during that time. “How could
He do that? How could He take him away from me, knowing how
much I love him and need him here in my life? It’s not fair!” Mama
didn’t have all the answers, but she tried her best to explain that
no one on this Earth is truly ours; we are all granted “temporary
custody” until the Father calls them back home. Consumed by
anger, I cut my Best Friend out of my life for a year.
The depression became worse. I was so angry. I was failing
to realize that a life of no faith can completely annihilate you.
I vividly remember how I felt during that time in my life. There’s no
other way to describe it - I was hollow. God stepped in one night
during a dream. I was walking down a long white hallway. I looked
around, unsure of where I was or what was going on. Then an
angel appeared. “Come with me, I want to show you something.”
I followed him, and he proceeded to stop at the first door. “Here is
what you’re leaving behind.” He opened the first door, and it was
my mother, sitting on my bed, holding a stuffed animal of mine,
sobbing uncontrollably. My dad, who was also upset, was sitting
beside her, trying his best to console her. We walked to the next
door, and it was my friends at school; they too were crying. Each
door showcased someone important in my life and how they were
reacting to me no longer being there. After he closed the last door,
he said, “It’s your choice.”
70
NOVEMBER 2015
As I drove to school that cloudy morning after, I couldn’t stop
thinking about the dream. Wondering what it meant, the brightest, warmest ray of sunshine broke through the clouds and fell
upon my face. At that moment, warmth overflowed in my heart,
as the anger dissipated. It was my Best Friend. I may never know
why He intervened, but I know that I am undeserving of His grace
and I am so very thankful that He shined that beacon of light upon
such a dark period in my life.
I’ve also been fortunate to talk with Him in dreams. The first
one, I was walking with Him, asking questions that started with
“Why…” He never spoke a word, just looked at me and smiled as
I tried to keep up with Him. During another, I was sitting down at a
table with Him. Once again, I was asking questions and worrying.
This time, He answered: “You ask a lot of questions. Just listen.”
While He has given me so many wonderful things in my 26 years,
I will forever be grateful for the experience I had the year my Uncle
Mike passed away. He, like my grandpa, was such an inspiration
on my life. I felt so guilty during this time for not visiting him like
I should have. I wished and wished just to talk to him one more
time. Once again being undeserving, God granted my desire. In
the dream, I was waiting outside of a store when my cell phone
rang. A number didn’t show up on screen, but I felt compelled to
answer it. “Hello?” It was Uncle Mike on the other end. I get chills
(and tears!) reflecting back on this moment. “Hey there. I just
wanted to call and see how everyone is doing.” When he was alive,
despite his failing health, he always called to see how we were
doing. Funny that he would still think about us while in Heaven.
I began to cry, sharing with him how much we all missed him and
how hard of a time Daddy was having. He was silent for a moment,
then said, “I have to go. But, I just want you to know that I’m okay.”
I immediately woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I knew without a
shadow of a doubt that it was real, I had talked to him. While some
may think that it was “just a dream,” I will always believe that God
allowed me to talk to him so my pain would be somewhat eased,
knowing that Uncle Mike no longer had to suffer. When I get to
Heaven, I’m going to have so many things to thank Him for faceto-face because I honestly can’t say it enough in prayers.
The third dream was several months ago. As I mentioned in
my August article, there have been things that I have been going
through this year that have almost broken me. He appeared and
said, “Don’t fear, I’m here for you.” Being so startled to see Him,
I asked, “Can I hug You?” As He opened His arms, I fell into His
embrace, crying and clinging onto Him. No matter what I’m going
through, He’s always there. And always at the right time! Sometimes I need to be reminded… More than anything, I need to listen.
God is real and He is everywhere. If that’s not evident before,
it certainly should be after reading all of the amazing stories in
this month’s issue. He is in the rain drops, the autumn breeze, the
tears that fall from your face. Most importantly, He is in your heart.
There will be heartbreaking moments in this life, but we should
always keep our hearts open to what God has to say to us. He talks
to us! Anyone can hear Him, if only they just do as He advised me
to do – Listen.
One of my favorite songs by Christina Aguilera is “The Voice
Within.” I typically don’t care for many ballads, but this one kept
getting stuck in my head, I couldn’t stop repeating it when I was
dealing wi th the loss of my grandpa. Looking back at the lyrics,
I now know it was my Best Friend trying to reach me. I encourage
you to remember these words:
“Young girl, don’t cry. I’ll be right here when your world starts to
fall. Young girl, it’s alright. Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to
fly. When you’re safe inside your room, you tend to dream of a place
where nothing’s harder than it seems. No one ever wants or bothers
to explain of the heartache life can bring and what it means. When
there’s no one else, look inside yourself. Like your oldest friend, just
trust the voice within. Then you’ll find the strength that will guide
your way. You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within… Listen.”
He created you, He believes in you and He loves you. It is my
prayer that all of us, myself included, will find more time to stop
and listen to what He’s trying to tell us. After all, He will always
know what’s best for us. Just listen.
SHEMAGAZINE.COM