Chieftain April 2017

BROTHER RICE Chieftain V OLUME : ?, I SSUE : W HO C ARE S ? A PRIL 1, 2017 EXTRA! EXTRA! EXTRA! Say Goobye to Israel So Who Is This “Colin Watts” Guy? By Colin Watts missed three days of school because he was “ill.” On Behalf of the Entire Chieftain Staff This basically means that he was catching up on the We here at the Chieftain try to surround ourselves latest episodes of “New Girl.” This so-called illness with people who do good at all costs. As a result, has caused us to really question his work ethic as a we have decided to impeach Managing Editor Ryan man. Israel. This was a tough Lastly, Ryan, has never told decision for all of us, but a funny joke. Never. He is it is not only the best for very serious at all times be- us, but, most important- cause his dad went to Brown, ly, it’s best for you guys, and he now realizes that he our award-winning will never be as good as him, readers. no matter how “thiccc” he is. There are many rea- Even his sister, Rose, whom sons why we have de- you can catch at Leo’s on the cided to impeach Ryan, weekends (until it closes), but the main ones were shared how she puts up with his cockiness, his inabil- Ryan’s bad jokes. ity to stay healthy, and “Well, I see him for about the fact that he is virtual- an hour a day, at family ly incapable of spitting dinner, ” she told us. “At this out a funny joke. time, I usually try to avoid First, Ryan never stops talking at all costs. ... So then yapping about how he is Ryan, the one on the left, with his Grandma Mitzi Ryan tends to crack a bad the Captain of the Broth- joke, and that’s when I retreat er Rice Swim Team, and he’s not even the coolest back to my room immediately.” Israel on the team (shout-out to Mr. Israel, Assistant So we hope you now understand why Ryan Israel Coach). is being impeached. By the way, going forward, When he’s not bragging, Ryan is usually sick. the Chieftain offi cially declines to comment on this Just before the Valentines Issue was released, Ryan matter. By The Class of 2019 It seems like a lot of people are talking about Colin Watts, but, honestly, nobody knows who Colin Watts is. The last name is mentioned often in the halls and in classrooms, but nobody has ever actually seen Watts or knows anything about him. While his name often appears in the Chieftain, it has been reported that this is actually an alias used by an anonymous writer. We, as Sophomores, want to clear things up and say that we don’t know who Colin Watts is and, if anybody claims to know him, they’re lying. A call for the impeachment of our Managing Editor Rice Makes the Call To Drop Athletics By A Varsity Athlete Brother Rice announced last Thursday that it would be cutting all of its sports teams in 2017- 18. Administrators have said that they would like the school to focus more on academics and less on unnecessary and meaningless sports. Brother Rice’s sports legacy will end with the conclusion of the Spring season in 2017. Fracassa and Ambrose Fields will be converted into a greenhouse and garden, respectively. While a few alumni and parents are upset, most agree with the decision. Bonasso Under Fire It’s All About the Wall By Bobby Kunz Chieftain Staff Not my President. The chants have been on Twitter and around the nation for months now, but recently they have also been going around Brother Rice. After our Pres- ident, Matthew Bonasso, lost his $150 calculator, the rumors started coming through the grapevine. Losing an item like this shows a lack of leadership and responsibility. After a couple of days, the calculator was not returned. It was looking like President Bonasso was not respected by his subordinates. The Chieftain then took on the responsibility to do some digging and fi nd Bonasso’s lost calculator. After a series of tweets from the Chieftain’s Twitter account, the calculator was found and the Chieftain solidifi ed its place as Brother Rice’s leading news source. By Nolan Geraghty Chieftain Staff It’s gonna be huge! Believe me, I know. Yes, the rumors are true, Brother Rice is going to build a wall at the border with Marian and, yes, Marian will pay for it. Managing Editor and future Brown University Bear Ryan Israel has begun plan- ning for a wall between the two schools. Several questions come to mind about this wall, such as: “How big will the wall be?” “How much will it cost?” “Who will build the wall?” “Why is the wall being built?” After months of Big J journalism work for the Chieftain, we found out that the wall will be 1,764 feet long and 9.3 feet tall. We found something ironic about these numbers that Ryan chose: Brown University was established in 1764, and the acceptance rate at Brown is 9.3 per- A blueprint for the wall cent ... Hmmm. When asked how he will make Marian pay for a wall they don’t even want, Israel answered, “I’m really not worried about it. I’m the Managing Editor for the Chieftain, I’m going to Brown, and I can do whatever I want.” Why is the wall being built? Being the typical Managing Editor he is, Israel danced around the question, but we fi nally got an honest answer: The real reason for the wall is to keep Marian safe from Colin Watts. Sad! ‘Calculatorgate’ calls leadership into question, threatens Presidency B ROTH ER R I C E H IG H S C H O O L C H I E F TA I N Trump-inspired barrier will separate Rice and Marian once and for all Leo’s to Close Doors Birmingham mecca leaves teens without late-night choice By D. Shaffer Chieftain Staff BIRMINGHAM – Birmingham high schoolers’ worst nightmare has become a reality. Leo’s Coney Island has announced it is closing April 1. Teenag- ers now face the question, “Where do I go to eat at midnight on the weekends with my friends now?” Now locals most likely can expect to see teenagers on the prowl for food in the streets of Birm )ݕЁи%Ёݥձ䁉ݥͥЁѼ)͕)1éչ́ɔ䁉͔)ȁхѥɕхɅЁͽͼ)ѥѡȁȁѽ̰ݽɭ́ѥ)ٕݡɥѡ͡аݡ́ݡ)ѡ䁝Ёѡɥ䁽ѡȁ̸ͥ)%Ё́䁄ѕȁѥɔ)͍́хЁɥѥ]ɕѡЁԁх)́Ёѥ̸)@)@H$0İ